This not knowing initially set off a bit of a panic in me. All I can describe is that it feels like I went to being this full canvas that is all colorful and visible to a completely blank slate. Nothing. Blank. No definition whatsoever. Turns out, this is rather difficult for people to deal with. We have an innate desire to be really known and identified. And yet, all of the sudden I am not. I have the identity of the Body, which is something-but I just don't know what yet!
Yes, I am still a person with giftings, etc., but this change is requiring a truly honest evaluation of everything in me. I really have no idea of my proper place or even who I am right now. I just know that its in Christ. I am not willing to rush to make something happen so I can identify myself or even assume I know. No, I want to be told directly from Christ.
Hands down I think this is probably the most difficult thing to date that the Message of the Cross has handed me... and yet it does not compare to what Jesus did. Jesus died so that I could come into true identity- the identity of His Body. However, my pain is real. This day of destruction is valid. My independent identity and agenda was thoroughly destroyed the moment I died with Christ. I keep seeing a city that has been completely burned down to rubble and its a picture of me. There have been days when its been like I've been forced to rub my face in the ash, breathe it in, be so hands on with the reality of what was destroyed.
Jesus spoke to me Isaiah 44, where it talks about the folly of idolatry sandwiched in between a passage about blessing and redemption. I've read the chapter over and over the last couple of weeks. It so clearly displays the foolishness of the independent nature. I am thankful for the redemption of God. I am thankful for the sacrifice of his Son that delivered me from this independent agenda. I don't understand it all yet, but I am still thankful.
There are glimpses of hope as I've walked in this destruction. Two weeks ago I woke up and saw dew on top of the ash in my spirit. It was dawn and the sun was rising... and dew was present. It was sparkling and it brought me comfort. It really was a beautiful work Jesus was doing.
This past weekend I had an experience where I was really really struggling with a sequence of events. My shaper was in major distress and I was upset. What was interesting is that I had identified my being upset as the independent nature and I kept asking the Lord to bring me into a place of revelation in this situation of the identity of the Body. Out of nowhere the Holy Spirit spoke so quietly and said 'Its the plan of God' in regards to how the sequence of events were occurring. Instantly I was fine. I had chosen to go with the way of the Body... God's plan, not the independent agenda.
Sunday I was standing there in worship as we sang Grande's new song. I didn't sing most of it... I was standing there in a gentle rain storm. My face upturned. The rain was washing the soot and ash off my face from the ruins around me. I could feel a dismantling taking place. I had the feeling after that I was in the carpenter shop with Jesus. We were working on a simple piece of wood... just him and I. Sanding, shaving pieces off... but together we were working.
Today I was amongst the destruction again.... so challenged by being nothing. And yet, Christ was content to be nothing. I actually prayed a prayer that I would be content with the obscurity of Christ earlier this summer. Content with being no one. I resolved again today to find Jesus in this place. I am honestly scared that it will require more sacrifice. More laying down and content to not be seen or heard... but isn't that what I wrote about earlier? I am learning to be a part of the mass that is the Body. To maintain my small little place. To find out what is there. I know there is life in it. I know Jesus is in it.
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